I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me doing my best
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha