Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
cause of death:
autopsy.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.