the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears