My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now