what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.