[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
In banana years, I am bread.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.