According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
What number SPF blocks people?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*