I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.