IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
You Might Also Like
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.