No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible