#have a #great #PancakeDay
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
How does one answer this?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
cat vs inanimate object
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Ironic
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home