He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it