[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Google assistant rules
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.