me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Smile they said.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John