Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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I put the mess in domestic.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.