Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.