When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
You Might Also Like
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that