Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
be careful
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Got him!
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
scares
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Bill is short for Billiam
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*