You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
mumsnet is amazing
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
CUTE CAT‼︎
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever