Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me hooking up with my ex
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
no such thing as a dumb question