Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
You Might Also Like
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
They also CAN sing✌️
PLEASE READ
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.