Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
The happy life.. 😊
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.