I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
😂🤣😂🤣
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
just got my engagement photos
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —