I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”