[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Match dot com, but for socks.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.