Siri: Retweet me.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.