I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.