life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.