The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Beware…..
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.