Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
You Might Also Like
God: you鈥檙e a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that鈥檚 not true.
Llama: i鈥檓 a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
me: let鈥檚 circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that鈥檚 the gist of it
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
pilot: we鈥檙e about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we鈥檙e gonna run into this church
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that鈥檚 wonderful
7: except the things I don鈥檛 like
me: there it is.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!