[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
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trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.