Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
How to make infinite energy.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that