WHAT SIGN IS SHE
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Swedish for common sense.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven