When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
The Onion called it…again.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road