“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄