I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Mountain Goat : )
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.