The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is