There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.