Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Meow
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle