Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like