I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Did I do this right
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
calling in to work dehydrated
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police