I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You Might Also Like
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Grandmother clock.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad