This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A French press is when you hug naked
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]