Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .