Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
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Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Hamburger Hinderer.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good