Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.