I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Miscakes
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
thinking about a very short hotdog
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I really had high hopes for this year though
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse