This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
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Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name