Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated