Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm